PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.
"Getting bathed in tear gas is the closest my son Fidel has been to taking a shower in weeks," said a local Portland mom after paying her five bucks and chucking a canister at the crowd. "I'm hoping our basement will smell a little better now. I used to think that all police were evil fascists, but my time gassing commies has opened my eyes. That was the most fun I've had in ages. Thanks, Portland Police!"
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