The Babylon Bee mocks the CIA’s ‘woke’ recruitment videos, one of which has an analyst describe herself as an “intersectional cisgender millennial.”
WASHINGTON,
D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced
interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more
torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional
feminism.
"Waterboarding
has been shown to be very effective," said the anonymous source. "But
that's been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey
Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we'll really ramp things up and make them
watch Coca-Cola's diversity training on a 12-hour loop."
Terror
suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege,
heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these
lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.
Critics
have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture
should be limited only to American universities.
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